After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
