sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
