Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
