her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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