Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
