Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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