despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
