Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
