There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize