So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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