guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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