Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
