I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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