1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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