my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
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