at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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