Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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