When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Randomize
