my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
