you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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