He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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