Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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