i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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