highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
