I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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