So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
