she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
