ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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