I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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