I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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