coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
