Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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