Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
