I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
