You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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