it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
