When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
