Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
