when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
