Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
