just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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