I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
