I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
