I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
