Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
