hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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