the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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