i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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