My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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