the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
