I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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