god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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