I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
