my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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