oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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