You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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