I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
