I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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