Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
