I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize