you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
